kodoku
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Tohma reflects on his affection fro Eiri...and his gradual descent from sanity over it...


Disclaimer: Gravitation is not mine, but I love it as it were. This is a fic in dedication to Murakami-sama and all the wonderful-ness set as Gravi because I met so many great people through it. I hope this fic shows how much I love it.  
  
Love was such an extravagance then with all its lavishness. I thought things such as exchanging trinkets on Valentine's Day or overspending on Christmas was totally a waste of time, and so, I never gave anyone gifts unless it was a necessary exchange.  
  
They were just business tools and gifts were the tangible means of the contract. Everything was business, wasn't it?  
  
"Isn't there anyone for you that doesn't involve business?" one male had asked me when I was eighteen.   
  
I lifted up my glass of wine my father had given permission for me to drink and smiled at the man without a hint of what the truth was. "I wonder…"  
  
He left thinking my heart was as cold as ice and I glanced at the boy standing to one corner of the room. Rudely and without a regard to the people around him, he was reading a book.  
  
It was a book I had given him. Why?   
  
I didn't know really.  
  
I just felt like it.  
  
Kodoku. (Solitude.)  
  
By miyamoto yui  
  
When I had met him, it was through his sister of course. Leaving me for a moment with him in the room while she got tea, here I was stuck with a handsome, blond child who wore glasses and looked as shy as he could be.  
  
I asked him what he was reading and when I said that I enjoyed the book he was reading, he became overly excited. Smiling at me, he shyly told me that he wanted to become a novelist.  
  
I never forgot that moment for as long as I lived. The way his eyes closed a bit as they sparkled quietly or the half-closed lips when he sincerely smiled at me. His quiet passion for books reminded me so much of Ryuichi, except Ryuichi talked a million miles per minute once you got him on the subject of music.  
  
That day, I remembered that I silently told myself I wanted to help him achieve that dream. No matter what it took.  
  
But it was also the day that I left Mika feeling guilty. For days and weeks, I tried to avoid going to her house or else I'd see his face again. This boy called Eiri.  
  
But when I was walking by his high school because I had been obsessing over him, I picked him up. As soon as I saw him come out of the entrance, I knew there was something wrong with me.  
  
I was in love with a boy. I was in love with this boy.  
  
I was truly in love with my girlfriend's little brother.  
  
I had picked him up to discuss with him what kind of publisher did he want because I wanted to help. He was only too modest to ask for my help, but I kept on insisting until he let me.  
  
I was finally using business to get what I wanted. It was the complete opposite of how I lived life before and it was turning me upside down as well as tearing me apart.  
  
The more I looked at Mika, the more I wanted to tell her.  
  
I loved her, but I couldn't help what I felt for Eiri. Except, I had to keep it quiet.  
  
When he came back to Japan, he was never the same though. I had cursed that Yuki 'til kingdom come and hoped he was suffering in hell for what he put Eiri through.  
  
Killing him wasn't enough for me, but I couldn't do anything about it.  
  
All Eiri could do for days was cry in my arms. He didn't talk to anyone but me after 'the incident'.  
  
And all I could do was embrace him as tightly as I could while he shivered at night in my arms, while he kept such a cold façade to the world.  
  
It hurt me to the point that I, the boy they had dubbed heartless, poured my tears onto my pillow. I would hug my pillow like a girl and sob quietly because it was so painful.  
  
Be strong for him while you were falling apart.  
  
Why? Because the object of your affection has fallen apart before your eyes and you cannot do anything at all.  
  
Nothing at all…  
  
He had changed and I watched it before my eyes.  
  
I didn't know if it was love for him or hate for Yuki. I couldn't tell Mika how jealous I was that Yuki was the one Eiri had fallen so in love with. That seeing them together made me want to fall off a bridge or get mad at the world.  
  
In either case, I had become moody to the point that I couldn't be in the same room as them without wanting to bite someone's head off.  
  
It wasn't my place though.  
  
It really wasn't…  
  
And when Nittle Grasper became more and more famous, the more I was away from him. Mika was coming back and forth between tours and performances and I was so happy when she would come. But I would think of someone else when we kissed.  
  
With my arrogance, I would come back to Eiri and say that I brought him chocolates, books, and other gifts that I had gotten for him while I was out.  
  
He was always happy to get these, especially the books, of course, but it was all given with an air of 'Oh, I thought about you when I got this.' A camouflage to cover up and let out a little about how I was feeling.  
  
A smile would keep me up for days.  
  
A frown would kill me.  
  
A kiss for good night would just do it for me when I didn't see him.  
  
God, it was so awful…  
  
I used all my connections to get him to become an accomplished author. He didn't want my help, but I told him, "We're like brothers. Please let me help you."  
  
That's the act, Seguchi Tohma. You keep on telling him sweet lies, deceiving him because you're unable to say anything true.  
  
All the feelings were pure and true.  
  
I just had to restrain myself.  
  
When he had told me that he was living with Shuichi-kun, I just smiled at him blankly. It was the smile I gave so that people couldn't read my real feelings. The one I would wear whenever I would crush a business and bring it down to its knees with my cruelty.  
  
Maybe what goes around really does come around because I felt like a ton of bricks had hit me one by one on the head. I was so depressed that I made an emergency business trip for three days away from Tokyo, saying I needed to look for new acts.  
  
Once he was giving information about himself, I knew I had lost him forever. He was finally able to open up to someone.  
  
He even said he loved Shuichi to me. And it was even harder to see that smile.  
  
It was the same smile as he had given me when he was telling me he wanted to become a novelist.  
  
I couldn't keep Eiri with me anymore…  
  
The small fragments I wanted to keep were now Shuichi's.  
  
All was left for memories of what I kept inside within me.  
  
As it should be.  
  
Then, there were the numerous break-ups they had and Eiri would come to me, pretending to the world he didn't need anyone or anything. But damn to the world, because that was the only time he needed me.  
  
He was mine whenever he felt alone.  
  
And next to him, I felt even more alone.  
  
Watching all this time unable to touch him.  
  
Like a statue.  
  
You fall in love, knowing there's someone there that comes alive with the moon is full, but became stone again once the night was done.  
  
There was that one time, though.  
  
Eiri said Shuichi and he were really done and finished. Of course, I said that they weren't. That's just how relationships always were.  
  
"I want you to be with me," I thought deep inside.  
  
But I had gotten so drunk that I actually said, "You should have stayed with me, Eiri."  
  
"Touma?" he asked as he turned to me.  
  
I laughed as I held my glass up. "I…"  
  
It was then that I put the glass down and took his chin with my hand. Looking at him smiling, I watched him wanting to cry, but wouldn't show him.  
  
This is the person I love.  
  
Letting go, I laughed. "Nothing. Go home to Shuichi-kun. He's waiting for you. I'd better go home or else Mika will get mad at me."  
  
But when he left, I called her on my cel phone and said I'd be at the office because I still had work. When I got to the office, miraculously, I slammed my door.  
  
For the first time, I went crazy. I was screaming and tore the curtains from the windows as I pushed everything from my desk.  
  
Sitting down on my deak chair, I looked at my reflection at the window and saw myself crying.  
  
"This is the true Seguchi Tohma."  
  
All the things I couldn't see were now revealed so honestly that I was sick of it.  
  
"The man with everything…" the article on the floor said and I ripped it up.  
  
"I was stupid," I whispered to myself. "And I'll always stay behind a glass wall looking at him."  
  
I'd do anything for Eiri…  
  
Maybe…  
  
Maybe if the devil asked me for my soul…  
  
I'd trade it.  
  
I couldn't take it anymore.  
  
But the next day, it was the same as always. Like any Seguchi, professionalism came first and so I had my office fixed early in the morning.  
  
No one knew I had lost my mind.  
  
Everything would continue the way it always was. I would watch. He would come to me and I would have to let him go again…  
  
I'll just be waiting and watching him, painful as it may be. Unable to do anything for him.  
  
Until I die, he won't know how much I love him. Even when I'm dying on a hospital bed, even when I tell him, "I truly love you."  
  
He'll say he loves me too because he thinks we're like brothers, but it isn't the same.  
  
It just isn't the same…  
  
Eiri will never understand what I feel because it's so intertwined. I can't describe it for him. How he's so much a part of me.  
  
Ever since he said, "Hello…"  
  
I looked out the window with all its clouds and blue. It all became blurry as I cried wanting to break the glass in front of me.  
  
I began to write a song that Ryuichi would sing called 'Kodoku'.  
  
It's a song for you, Eiri, even though you'll never know it was for you.  
  
Like with everything else.  
  
"I wait here endlessly like a statue,  
  
From faraway, there was a fairy tale  
  
A statue that kept on looking out  
  
As if it were alive.  
  
I silently said so many words  
  
But they didn't reach your ears.  
  
You didn't hear me.  
  
You couldn't possibly hear me.  
  
With all the world between us.  
  
My heart was hurting,  
  
But you thought statues didn't have hearts.  
  
Everyday I sit so still  
  
In the corner of this room,  
  
Going insane ever so slowly  
  
Quietly and beautifully.  
  
I never rest because  
  
I live upon your affections  
  
I think of you to keep me alive.  
  
Sleeping inside of you  
  
I can't say my words  
  
They're too strong  
  
I don't think words are enough  
  
And even if you do hear them,  
  
What good will they do now?  
  
I chose you,  
  
Foolish me,  
  
Ooh…  
  
I chose to  
  
Come to life  
  
For you….  
  
A full moon shone   
  
And I came to you in a dream  
  
To tell you how much you I loved you  
  
Only I didn't give you enough time  
  
To react…  
  
Or you only saw my lips move   
  
With no voice.  
  
You didn't hear me.  
  
You couldn't possibly hear me.  
  
With all the world between us.  
  
My heart was hurting,  
  
But you thought statues didn't have hearts.  
  
The world thinks I have everything,   
  
But I lie with a painted face  
  
And the perfect knowing smile.  
  
I don't have you.  
  
And the more you're away from me,  
  
I'll die  
  
Even though you're standing before me."  
  
While performing it for a television show, Shuichi saw a tear slip from my face as Ryuichi sang the words I could never admit.   
  
He was going to ask me why, but I gave him the smile I always gave to everyone.  
  
Ironically, it would be Shuichi who would see through me, but he didn't say a word of it to anyone.  
  
"I'll be sure Yuki hears it," was all he said to me.  
  
I didn't say anything, but nodded quietly.  
  
He'll hear it…  
  
But he'll never really understand…  
  
In solitude, while tearing myself everyday…  
  
Even when you're right in front of me…  
  
How could you possibly understand how much I die each day without you?  
  
owari.  
  
--  
  
Author's note: Since I had not been doing too many Gravitation fics for the past few months, I thought I'd start writing continuously for them again. Gravitation is one thing that always makes me smile whenever I think of it, but it also makes me feel so bittersweet whenever I think of the pairings I like.  
  
So, I randomly listened to 'The Great Beyond' by REM to give me inspiration. I don't know why, but this is what came out. An odd fic with a pairing I feel strong about.  
  
As with 'The Difference Between Need and Want', I truly believe that even though Tohma has loved Mika, his first love (that never died) was Yuki, even though he sometimes tried to deny it. It was that part in the manga in which Yuki introduces himself as wanting to become a novelist. This was one of my favorite parts of the manga. (I find it funny that I love the first time that Seishirou and Subaru met too and it's also my fave part in Tokyo Babylon.)  
  
I know it was a weird fic, but I didn't expect this to be as long as it was. 


End file.
